A Bittersweet Symphony at Christmastime

Christmas season is here, whether we're prepared or not, which is the typical sentiment I usually have at this point in the year, but this Christmas season is anything but typical. 

It's no secret the last two years have been tough and I feel like I've talked about it adnauseam, but as we approach the Christmastide, this year just feels less full. 

My mom's absence is showing in a lot of ways right now. So allow me to be a bit vulnerable and honest with this and my feelings. 

My mom was a difficult person. It was no secret. Like her mom before her, and my grandmother's mother before her. It was inherent. I can't remember a holiday season I wasn't frustrated with her. From trying to plan dinners and visits, to the random not-asked-for gifts she would buy for everyone, Christmas always felt like a minefield I had to navigate. 

My mom might have been award winner for the worst gift-giver I've ever met. If you wanted an iPod for Christmas, you got a Zune. Nike sweatshirt...how about two Champion brand sweatshirts instead. Because more is always better, right? 

She had good intentions. I know she did. I just think it was misplaced. My friends and I literally started a friend tradition party called the Re-gifting Party we held every January where each person had to bring a 'wtf gift' they were given to regift to another person at the party. Kind of like a white elephant gift party. 

It was hysterical to see all of the random things people received, but if awards were ever to be given out, my mom's gifts would've taken first place almost every year. There was the year I received a giant snowman window cling or the random coasters that didn't match any of our decor. Sometimes it just never made sense. But you smiled, thanked her for the gift and then just asked....'but, why?' later on. 

Eventually you quit asking why and just laugh and enjoy. 

As we head into Christmas, there's none of that this year and it's a weird feeling. Some might think, "Well, it might be nice to not have to deal with that frustration." But when that's all you've become used to it feels off. 

I guess it's part of the new lives we all have to live without her. I can't even imagine what this year is going to feel like with my dad. We are so excited to go to his house, fill it love and laughter, but knowing there is a part of us that is going to feel a lot of pain sucks, too. 

I don't want to dwell on the negatives, but I do think it's important to talk about them outloud. Not admitting you're hurting a little and suppressing it isn't a healthy way of dealing with it. 

I am excited, however to begin new traditions and to start to make a new normal with my dad and my sister's family. I'm incredibly proud of my sister and the help she's given my dad these last few months. I probably don't say that enough. 

Despite some of my frustrations with the holiday seasons and my mom, I miss her dearly. She loved all of us in her own unique way and this Christmas just won't be the same. 

For anyone that is dealing with the loss of a family member or friend, I wish you all peace and happiness, even while you struggle to navigate this year. I know my mom would want that for us and I'm sure your friends or family would too.